Comparison

I can still vividly remember feeling not... enough at the age of five. "Hillary wears cute sun dresses. I'm not pretty enough for those," I thought. I hated my freckles and fair skin. I can also never recall a time in my life of being happy with my weight. Even as a very young child I was self conscious about my size. As time progressed, so did the range of discontentment. It became not only vanity related, but materialistic. I cringed walking into 8th grade Algebra hoping no one would notice that my White Mountain clogs were Birkenstock knock-offs. When I was fourteen, everyone had a pair of those sexy overpriced clogs that left your feet smelling like a beaver's butt. I'm so thankful that my parents didn't just give me every single thing I wanted when I wanted it just for the sake of blending in with everyone else (though I know if they could have given me everything in the world, they would have, and I did eventually get a pair of my very own "Birks").

I wish I could say that I don't worry about such petty things anymore, but that's far from the truth. I may not lust after smelly clogs, but these days it comes in the form of, "I wish my skin was flawless like hers, but I have stretch marks and acne," or on a deeper note,"she's such a better mother and wife than I am." Shoot, as I write this, Addy is asleep, and I'm watching Fixer Upper (I have a slight obsession with HGTV) and wishing that my life was more like Chip and Joanna's. I have wasted so much of my life comparing mine to others'. You see, when we are so focused on what other people have, we forget our purpose. We forget that we are here to glorify God in all that we do. He designed each of us uniquely and with different abilities. Every single person wasn't designed to have a white picket fence and the American Dream. My purpose right now is to glorify God by raising my children to love Him, and my purpose is to walk alongside my husband encouraging him in his faith. The fact that my floor isn't clean and my toddler sometimes eats crackers and cereal for supper doesn't make my work any less valuable. My floor isn't clean, and I don't always have meals made from scratch because both of my kids love my cuddles (and because sometimes I'm just too lazy to fight with Addy to find something she will actually eat). I'm trying to learn to be okay with this.

But how blessed I am. The Lord has set this amazing opportunity of raising my babies at home before me. When I worked full time, I constantly thought, "if I could just stay home with my kids, I would be so content." It's baffling how we seem to think all these things can fix us, even as wonderful as they are.

I have been reflecting on Philippians 4 the past few months. “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable — if there is any moral excellence and if there is any praise — dwell on these things. Do what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, and the God of peace will be with you. I rejoiced in the Lord greatly that once again you renewed your care for me. You were, in fact, concerned about me but lacked the opportunity to show it. I don’t say this out of need, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content — whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need. I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:8-13 

Paul highlights the importance of what we choose to dwell on. I believe this correlates in part with the following verses--that he has learned the secret of being content, in abundance and in need. At the risk of sounding very TBN evangelistic, what we constantly choose to think about affects us on a deeper level. I pray that the Lord helps me to be content in all circumstances, and I believe one way for me to be proactive in this is to be mindful and intentional of what I allow myself to "stew" on. 

I may not ever learn to love my freckles and stretch marks, and I may never feel comfortable in a sun dress. *Side note: every time I read something about self esteem and loving/accepting yourself I tend to want to roll my eyes. The Lord's work in my heart is what defines my worth. He has given me worth and that is what I will esteem. There's nothing in myself without Him to esteem. *End note. But I will fight for joy every day. 

Please stop allowing comparison to steal your joy. Fight for it. Be intentional with your thoughts, and pray that the Lord teaches you how to be content in Him in all circumstances.

Please also know that you are more beautiful than you see, more special than you feel, and more loved than you know.